Letting go
On new years eve 2022 the loved ones I celebrated with and I choose a word to represent the year. Freedom came out of my mouth. Boy, I did not know what was coming at me.
To be free, we have to let go, right?
It began from within with coaching processes and ceremonies that taught me what true strength is. It felt so deeply like a preparation that I thought a child was coming into my life. I see now that I was prepared for a whole other (re)birth. Close relationships were morphing, crumbling, changing, and being let go of around me. Suddenly I knew I had to close doors, I had never had the courage to consider closing before.
It continued with moving homes. Letting go of the only apartment I truly had felt at home in since I moved out at age 19. It was hard. The south-facing balcony. The wonderful neighbors. The wall I had just painted in a custom-perfect forest green. The floors, the bedroom where I found rest. The kitchen where I began hosting cooking classes. All had to be let go of. Five days after I closed that door, my new flat found me. Only when one door closes, a new one can open.
The year continued with the sale of my grandmother’s house. The cherry and oak trees that raised me barefoot. The stream where I almost drowned. The lush garden with more flowers than one could count. The winding steps to the gooseberries and currant bushes where I can remember my grandmother living closely attuned to the plants. The barn where we got married. My second home where I have more childhood memories than I can count, and where I always imagined I would live one day.
Next it was time to let go of the office. As I’m writing this from here, it feels right and easier, but also melancholic. This is where I created Balanced Step by Step, got my first coaching clients and hosted numerus women’s circles. This space got me through two lockdowns and this is where I built a deep friendship with one of my closest sisters.
Just when I thought I could not let go of anything else, I packed my bag for six weeks of retreats, private and business travel and vacation. I arrived in Athens, my bag did not. Two months later, I vividly imagine it vacationing on a greek pristine beach and having a blast without me. It’s been let go of too.
I get it now. We don’t get to bring anything with us. Nothing.
In the end, what we surround ourselves with is just stuff. Places, things, and tools to get us through life. Even people do not belong to us, no matter how much we imagine that they are ours, they are not. It sounds so cliche, but all we have is truly this moment. I guess I’ll be over here closing doors and letting go until I’m done, let’s see when that is. It’s uncomfortable, but also excitingly liberating. The times in my life when I’ve had the least status, money, things, goals, and plans, have actually been the happiest.
Do you have a door in your life that needs closing?
